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[Potential Triggers] Before you ask, no I do not have depression or anxiety. I've just recently turned 18 and I'm unemployed and unenrolled in any school. I made this decision because I wanted to get my bearings on life and what I want to do. I've decided on making a living off of art, but of course that's really hard to do. So my mom is pressuring me to get a job. However, I DO NOT want to work around other people. I'm autistic. And because I'm high-functioning it usually doesn't affect me much. Unless I'm around unfamiliar people. The last time I worked (and it was for a short time) I honestly hated it. I had no idea how to make conversation with other people, and I'm also a slow learner. This made it tough because I worked in fast food, so I had to be fast. But I couldn't and so I got on a lot of people's nerves that way. It was stressful and I had no one to ask for help or complain to because my social skills ruined me this way. I went to work everyday knowing that no one liked me and there was no way for me to fix it. I didn't even know that no one liked me until my manager and coworker told me about this. But that's fine. I could just bare with it until I'm with my actual friends. Except I have no friends, because I'm autistic. (Aspies can relate). BUT I do have online friends! And I'm actually great at attracting friends online because then I won't have to worry about reading social cues, facial cues, or the right thing to say then. But despite all this, I STILL have trouble with friendships online. Nearly every single one of my friendships ended because of me. Why? Because I always tend to lash out and become verbally aggressive. I've lost years old friendships because of my actions. But if I'm to be honest? They barely affected me. And the tiny bit of effect I've experienced isn't what you think. I only regret losing them because I want someone to talk to. I honestly don't care for people unless they benefit me. I can't seem care about even my current friends' problems. I let them talk so that they can repay me back by listening to me talk. I honestly didn't care for one second as a friend for 3 years told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore. And if you were wondering why? Because I was always starting drama within our friend group. Every single drama happened because of me. And I know why I cause so much drama -- because I want attention. Growing up I was abused and neglected. And while one of them just makes me suffer quietly to myself, the other I hold against other people. I literally make every single conversation about me and if it isn't I feel so terrible. Once I've felt so terrible I've even used my dog's cancer as a way to get attention. It failed. And you can guess what happened next -- I lashed out at my friends for not giving me attention. So as you can guess Autism isn't my only disorder, I suffer from PTSD and I'm pretty sure I'm Narcissistic too. And I hate it. My social life suffers so bad from these. Even just a couple days ago I was in a group chat and made 2 other people leave because of me. But I didn't even care. All I cared about was my reputation afterwards. And I'm so tired of this. I want friends but my behavior and disabilities make it so hard for me. I want to see a therapist SO bad but A) I can't drive B) I'm poor and C) My mom thinks therapy is shameful. I once took therapy to cure depression but even that was so short lived because my mom stopped taking me there. I'm literally going insane everyday because everyday something happens and it's always because of me. I'm tired of running people out of group chats and I'm tired of all my friendships ending because of me. I literally only have 2 friends right now and they're both online in different countries. And I'm screwed if I mess up these two friendships. I'm just so drained and I wish I was born without any disability and into a loving family. I can't bring myself to care about anything at all. This is the only place I could say all this. I definitely can't tell my friends because there really is no nice way of saying "I don't care about you, I only care about my entertainment but I wish I cared about you." I've tried using online/free therapists/counselings, called several suicide hotlines, and even used a texting hotline. Honestly, none of them worked. They only knew how to deal with depression and anxiety attacks. In the end, I truly wish I could recieve treatment for this but ranting on here seems to be my only option. Thanks for listening.
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